Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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