is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
