soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
