Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
