After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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