Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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