8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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