I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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