fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize