I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
