True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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