gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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