we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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