WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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