Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
