The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
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Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
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Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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