Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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