I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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