I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
