trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
