On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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