We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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