I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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