All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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