Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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