It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
