I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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