Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
