i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
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