i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
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