What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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