I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Sober January is a disaster.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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