so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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