I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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