He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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