whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
