Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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