they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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