made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
