Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
