areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
