Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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