guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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