We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
