i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My dick has a subreddit
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
