If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
