While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
