It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
