Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
