I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
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The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
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When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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