I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
