We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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