If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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