I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
