im having a threesome with these popsicles
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
