I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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