He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Enjoy the penises
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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